It’s never simple, is it?

9th June 2020, Royal Marsden Hospital, Sutton, Surrey

I have a massive burn on my cock

I thought I’d gotten away with it, but that was a mistake.

After 22 radiotherapy treatments, I had a pretty dramatic change in genital ethnicity, but thankfully everything was still intact. 

Then, boom. A patch of skin started to bubble up on little Johnny, then a clear blister, right at the point the zip on your parka jacket meets your neck (I’m using analogies here, keep up). 

Next, the unwelcome scrotal swelling returned.

The private waiting room is not the place for your jokes

“Can you ask Dr Tree to pop down?  I need to show her my cock”


“Oh it’s not her birthday, I’m one of her patients”

“Well yes Mr little, it certainly looks sore, but it’s pretty common.  The weight of those testicles must be causing you some discomfort too”

<don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it>


“Let me get the nurse in here, she’ll have just the thing”

“Ooh yes that’s a nice one isn’t it.  I’ve got a few dressings here, just apply…blah blah blah”

(I’m presented with a 9” square dressing and a roll of tape)

“Can I cut it down?  Not the cock, that’s had enough, I’ve been told it doesn’t grow back stronger in the spring”

(Not a flicker, tough crowd – they’re much tougher to crack than reception)

“Well you can, but you’re better off using it whole”

“Now, I’m not sure if you’ve ever had a penis, but even with my very limited understanding of clinical practices, if I use that whole, I’m going to be arrested on sexual offences or be asked to join the circus.”

So, long story short I have some more suitable dressings and a dose of steroids.  Although, considering the erections they give you it might not make any difference.

Picture of the Royal Marsden hospital, Sutton branch
The Royal Marsden, Sutton Branch. Surrey, England